Great Day

Does your hot teenage daughter dress too sexy for her age?
And flaunt her thick, ample, supple flesh?publicly?
Are you an overweight, undereducated, inarticulate mother with missing teeth? A southern accent, and/or a heavy drinking problem?
Will your hot, bikini clad nymphet teen, swear at you, shaking a white finger in your face, cocking her head, using a distinctive urban African American vernacular?
Well then we need you both on our show!
Please just call 1-800-Lucifer.

Chorus:
See it's a great day to be alive.
What a great day to be alive and wide-awake!

Are you tired of other people hogging the spotlight?
Have you always been a wallflower or a shrinking violet wanting to be the life of the party, center of attention, and the most desirable, enviable player on the scene, but were afraid and lacked confidence before?
Well you need cocaine!
Yes cocaine is the answer to all of your social situations.
You will suddenly be funny, and the non-stop confidence that you will feel will bring you right out of your shell.
Women will follow you into the bathroom and you will be inspired and encouraged to talk endlessly and endlessly about yourself!
And you will sound worldly, witty and informed, because you are when you're on cocaine!
Common side effects are dry mouth, lockjaw, paranoia and diahhrea, 9 out of 10 people tested did not experience, beating or addiction, ant-social behavior, sudden death by massive coronary when given a placebo.
So ask your concert promoter about cocaine and then?

Chorus:
Great day to be alive.
What a great day to be alive!
Social disorders
Bad body odor
You've got a problem
We've got the answers
Great day to be alive!

I swear, if I win the Miss ButterMilk Milita Hill Idaho Falls Pageant, I will use my newfound celebrity to educate my less attractive and therefore underprivileged teen peers on self-esteem and posture.
Because without good posture, you will not be noticed and that's a tragedy.
I will show them that it is not about being pretty and it is not about being skinny and it is not about being beautifully dressed or perfectly accessorized.
No, it's not about that!
It's about people!
People needing people!
That's right!